Poor ESFJ. Even I have written about them last. Yes, you will notice (if you are inclined to notice such things) that I have written about every other type but the portly ESFJ.
Why is that INFJs may be wondering (INTJs might be wondering too but with less commitment)?
Well, the thing is I don’t like ESFJs. And nobody does.
OK, let me back up a minute here.
I love ESFJs but I’m embarrassed to admit it.
OK, ESFJs aside, I’m a bit schizophrenic (I mean manic-depressive) and go from one tangent to another in quick succession.
I’m even scared what you may think about me as I write these stupid words (I mean lovely words).
The truth is I don’t care what anyone thinks and I am just telling it like it is.
Hey, don’t ESFJs do that?
The truth is that I care what everyone thinks to such an inordinate degree that in the name of self-survival, I must not care what anyone thinks.
Because if I cared what everyone thinks then I wouldn’t be able to write about anything. I would block at every turn.
O, I forgot, we’re talking about ESFJs here.
You see, that’s just the thing, ESFJs are so easily forgotten about by the slinky masses of people that snake through the world.
You can’t thread them through a needle like you can an ISTJ.
Many ESFJ people are dumpy and easy to recognize in soft-focus because they have one of the most characteristic and recognizable body types in existence…
Were they born under a bad sign?
On average, the ESFJ can be recognized as the lymphatic type par excellence. In other words, they are pudgy and fleshy, they are the fat boys and girls of the world.
The ESFJ in Cinema
Hey, check out the movie Wall-E for a sustained example of this type through the future populace of America. Basically, the movie is saying that the American type will eventually turn into people of the ESFJ type due to complete reliance on technology to do everything for them. These people of the future will just recline in hovercraft lounger chairs whilst food, drink, and entertainment are pumped into their brains and bodies.
Actually, yeah, just watch that movie in its totality for edification on this type (in excess).
Ah, that’s just the thing – excess.
Americans are known across this thin world of ours as the fat, happy, and dumb citizens.
Check out comedian Louie CK’s commentary on this American type in his stand-up comedy show that goes by the name of Hilarious (yes, it does live up to that name). He’s basically talking about the ESFJ type…in the negative…through his commentary on fat white Americans.
But, what about the positive sides of this type?
ESFJs are awesome!
Wanna know why?
Because they allow me to write an article in a succession of one-line paragraphs like this one.
They don’t make me get all dense and clumpy in my verbiage (Hey, how ironic!).
ESFJs just want to have a good time. They are enjoyers. Epicureans. Cooks.
Hey, you know the stereotype of the fat chef. That’s ESFJ. And you’ve probably also heard that you shouldn’t trust or eat the food of a thin chef.
Because fat people know how to cook and they know how to enjoy good food.
I think there is probably a lot of ESFJs in Texas barbecuing bison and serving up over-sized plates of slop for the cowboys.
Pigs. Yep, that’s another way of looking at ESFJ. Affectionately. In a good way.
Because pigs are cute and roll around in mud and eat slop.
And Pink Floyd has flying pigs on many of their album covers and live shows.
So, all hail the pig (if it has wings, of course).
What do you want me to tell you about ESFJs (nothing, thinks most of my INFJ readers)?
Is there a side to them that has been missed in conventional descriptions?
Wouldn’t know, because first of all, I’m not in the habit of reading about Myers-Briggs descriptions by other peoples (I just like to say my own thing, man) and even if I were in the habit of assiduously scouring the internet for every last drop of information one could possibly have on the subject of the intuitive types (come clean my fellow intuitives), ESFJ would certainly be the last hum-drum type I’d be reading about.
I mean, c’mon now, we know no one wants to be an ESFJ. That’d be like saying “Yes, I would like to be the unfortunate fat girl of my school who everyone makes fun of for being so dumpy and common.”
No one wants to be seen with these pigs.
Imagine being a girl of this type (If you are a girl of this type and are reading this, just refer to your memory).
OK, ready, here we go…
Ah, fuck it…you know.
I get so tired of pretending to be describing something that you don’t know about.
Do I have to make it all politically correct and bullshitty?
O, Let The Fat Girl Speak!
Here, just watch this moving testimony of a fat girl on the TV show Louie (yeah, more Louis CK so that you might get into his shit in case you hadn’t heard of the dude. He’s awesome in my unhumble opinion and one of the most relevant cultural commentators currently around).
The girl in this clip is an ESFJ and is a characteristic example of what women of this breed look like. (Yes, I can type people visually, especially ESFJs who are one of the easiest types to type this way. I do it all the time and no one can stop me).
And while we’re on the subject, why does everyone want to be an INFJ? I get so tired of that.
I’ve met ESFPs who think they are INFJs. It’s like “give me a break”. Seriously?
Gag me with a spoon. Like totally.
So, while everyone and their motherfucking mother is trying to come off as an INFJ, no one wants to be an ESFJ.
Yet, apparently they make up a good portion of the population.
ESFJs are like soup stock. And they are often stocky.
They are like that necessary base that needs to be present in order to throw vegetables and meat into. They are like glue and water.
They taste good. You know how good bacon tastes? Similar thing going on here.
O, and have you ever went down on an ESFJ girl (of appropriate age)?
Best kept secret in the world my man.
Have you ever let an ESFJ girl go down on you?
Answer = Yes.
Or you would if you had the opportunity because they lap up the evening (O, by the way, I’m speaking from no experience, per usual. I mean, why bother doing research when you can just write stuff, and with a click of a button, publish it on the internet?)
No, but seriously, serious studies have come out that report that 4 out of 5 leading ESFJs report great satisfaction in reporting great satisfaction about reporting on how good they are at oral sex.
But, I wouldn’t know.
Hey, have you ever noticed the way pigs take great pleasure in gnawing away at their slop?
Have you noticed how they have no compunction about rolling around in mud?
No compunction? Hell, they fucking love it. Have you ever seen a creature as happy as a pig rolling around in their own shit?
Hey, fuck you you Puritan fuck!
You can suck the slop out of a pig’s asshole!
You on your high horse with your pseudo-intellectualism!
Learn to lick.
And lick to learn.
Alright, that about does her.
Leave comments and complaints in the usual place…
Up your momma’s ass with a spoon.