Understanding. Okay.
So, whereas before we were talking about feeling being the first thing an INFJ man needs in a relationship, now we speak of understanding as the continuation of that need.
Feeling occurs through the sentiments, while understanding occurs through the mentality. Therefore, as we can see, there is a bit of an irony here in this dual requirement of the INFJ man to both be wet and be dry. In fact, I think this is the key to why they are so difficult in relationships.
But I think it can be understood more simply that the requirement for feeling in a relationship comes first. Without this primary quality, the rest of the show can’t go on. Which is not to say that it wouldn’t be a good relationship in many respects, should understanding be present, however it’s more of a friendship relationship than a primary life partner relationship.
So, you got your feeling for whatever it’s worth. You got a lady who can feel ya. And that’s wonderful and magical. She touches the INFJ man in that special place. They bond, fall in love, and live happily ever after…right?
If life were that simple.
But no, this is where things get complicated. Because while feeling itself is simple, or at least, to the understanding of the mind, it is, understanding itself is simple too. It’s just not simple that these two would occur in the same person. Actually, I think it is pretty rare. Should it be so, we have what is known as <<true love>>. Because while feeling can produce love as the apex of its fruits, it can not produce truth. Ever. It is just not in the nature of love, or feeling as a whole, to produce truth, and what I mean by truth, is objective truth, the individual’s preferences aside.
Now, however, we might say that feeling itself is a form of truth for the individual thus constituted, and as such, predisposed to feel this way about this, that, and the other thing. But that in no way tells us about the truth of things in themselves, just that the person under consideration is structured in such a way as to feel this way about them, for whatever reason.
You know how they say love is in the eye of the beholder.
Anyroad, our INFJ man has this other frustrating requirement in addition to his need for a woman to feel him down to her depths. He needs to be understood apart from this too, as if she never loved him at all. It’s as if he wished the woman would take her love for him and go hang herself with it…because eck, so grotesque, so untoward. And this apart from <<How dare you love such a person as me>> shtick that INFJ men have too. It’s simply a drive of the mind I’m talking about here. And you better follow them and keep up here or you gonna be left behind.
Ah, what these little darling INFJ men do is make a test and game out of everything. It’s like once they have their love, they retreat to higher ground, they start growing like a plant into the heavens, and this they do mainly in isolation, as if the beloved was nothing more than a proper feeling soil for them to grow into the heights. Selfish?
Now they expect their beloved to depart a little from that former state of glory, and converse with them on all manner of things, which they should be prepared to discuss objectively, with scientific rigor, with an even suspicious retreat from any trace of feeling sentiment about the matter under hand at all.
And if you can’t do this, they disdain you.
INFJ men are in a lifelong pursuit to understand themselves and understand the world around them. However, the key is to understand it while standing in feeling, not outside it on some remote mountain. That’s their evolutionary strategy. If either is missing, then they will not be satisfied, or more basically they will not be able to do either — feel or understand.
Feeling and understanding are the antithesis of each other. You can’t understand someone or something if you are feeling it strongly. You can love it or hate it. And those feelings will tell you something about yourself, but they won’t tell you about something apart from yourself.
Like when you ask the question <<Who am I?>>, I would reply <<To whom?>>. I think a better question is <<What am I?>>. That’s objective, and the answer is literally based on function. What function do you perform in the economy of selves?
In one sense, we are all irreplicable snowflakes. You are special. There is nobody like you. That’s what love is based on. Supposedly. Love says <<There is no one quite like you, and I love this you that you are, whoever you are, for who you are>>.
And that’s precious and special to feel that way for one other person. There is no one that can replace them. Where do you think all those love songs come from?
But now let me introduce you to this other beast, that is not necessarily remarkable in and of itself, but is remarkable that one person can do it, while doing the other thing as well. This is the key to UNDERSTANDING INFJ men.
They can both feel deep intractable love for a person, while at the same time putting them under the microscope of understanding and dissecting them coldly and precisely, and I daresay, sometimes accurately.
One without the other is prosaic and common. I mean, I can go out right now and find a Rational who will probably pigeon hole me in a New York minute —but can they love me? Are they capable of seeing into my soul past all my ruses and prevarications such that their understanding wouldn’t be what I call <<positivistic>>?
Or could that INFP girl who can love so deeply and precisely be able to perform the same feat as the Rational by simply dispensing with feeling and seeing me as a cog in a machine?
I am a machine. We all are.
But we are also souls. Incalculable. Knowable only through love.
The INFJ man requires his partner to have a foot in each sphere,
And tend him while he is far, yet near.
…oh forget about that infp girl, she will sooner or later stuff the FE into your nostrils or nozzles as in an answer to what you are question. just stay away the fi people, will you 😅. great article as usual…
Stay away from Fi people…and stay away from humans altogether 😅
That’s too much to ask from a single human, but I’m sure you already know that.
Scorpion longing gives a man purpose. It can produce something beautiful, musing, music, art. And if inspiration to create art is your goal, then by all means, keep chasing what doesn’t exist. It’s lovely to aspire for something heavenly while still rolling around in your messy, earthly shit.
But if any of you INFJ men ever feel like coming back down to earth, I’ll share what has actually worked for me.
I am romantic. I need to long for something. I just no longer dump that longing onto one human being.
As part of my evolution, I project my fantasy onto something distant. It turns into wanderlust. A pull toward faraway places, different cultures, new environments, new energies.
When I dance, when I sing, when I peacock like an idiot, I do it for the collective. For friends, for the crowd, for kindred souls.
Never do I project my romantic fantasy onto one single human with tits, ass, and a temporary face I decided to worship.
But I do believe in soulmates. Loyalty. My one girl.
She’s just not my cure. Not my destiny. Not my goddamn salvation.
She’s my partner in crime.
The one person with whom I explore the taboo side of being human. The raw, crude, animalistic, slightly fucked-up corners of existence.
My commitment to her is simple: when it comes to that side of me, the dirty, unfiltered, uncivilized beast, she’s the only one I go there with.
My BFF in sin, in chaos, in whatever the hell that is.
Rule :
When it comes to understanding, I stopped craving it.
There are things you don’t share. Things that stay between you and your own soul.
Those private, unspoken, slightly twisted truths, they don’t weaken you, they strengthen the bond you have with yourself. (Carl Jung _Red Book.)
Don’t go begging to be understood by some pretty woman with pink titties and soft eyes.
Don’t look for deep intellectual understanding in your partner. That’s overrated bullshit.
Your friends can give you that. Your bros can handle that side.
For the most part, understand yourself. That’s enough.
— Raj
Hi Raj,
Question. Have you found her?
You are describing a relationship that is just based on sex, that is not very special or rare to find. A lottt of INFJ guys I know have these types of relationships, either in rl or in their heads lol. Those types of relationships you can have anytime.
And btw being cute with pink titties and soft eyes doesn’t mean one is dumb, a girl like that could kick your ass with her intellect lol you just aren’t getting anything meaningful from her
As Blake keeps saying, Scorpio energy just wants to desire. It wants something distant, just out of reach, something you can chase but never fully own. And then, right after that, he tells you to embody Taurus.
And yeah, he repeats it because it’s true.
But here’s the problem. Like every NF type, he can’t not romanticize. That longing, that craving for something just beyond reach, that is the fuel. That’s the whole game for an NF psyche.
Taurus is stable, grounded, “I have it.” But having it all is boring as hell. There’s no tension. No hunger. No fire.
Wanderlust, delusional optimism, chasing something just out there, that’s what feels alive.
So yeah, Blake is right that Taurus energy helps you manifest, helps you ground things into reality. But for an NF, it’s not practical as a default state. Your psyche works properly when it’s longing for something.
Since you can’t long for something you already have, it’s setting yourself up for failure when you don’t dump all that longing onto one person
That’s why I say, Project longing and romance onto something bigger. A crowd, a movement, a social dynamic, something alive and constantly evolving.
People can romanticize anything. It doesn’t always have to be a girl.
But when it is about a girl, then keep it real.
On earth, you chase your lover with your dick.
Blake said it himself: “Suck the dick of Love.”
That’s the right attitude.
When you talk to her, don’t hide behind emotional poetry or intellectual bullshit. Be clear. You want to fuck her. Own that. Say it through your presence. NOT with your words because that’s how you get pepper sprayed.
And I disagree with the person who says sex is easy and meaningless and can be found anywhere. That’s not true.
Yes!, performative, pornstar, hooker-style sex is everywhere. Easy. Cheap. Mechanical.
But real sex? That shit stretches your psyche. It cracks you open. It expands you.
just putting your dick all the way in doesn’t mean you’ve actually penetrated her.
There’s a deeper layer. A hidden layer. A spiritual layer to sex that only shows up when both people drop the mask and stop acting civilized.
That’s where it actually becomes real.
So stop treating sex like it’s some low-level, disposable act.
And answering to other fellows, I don’t make lifelong commitments. I keep things open ended. I do one woman at a time, fully. Sometimes it lasts years, sometimes months.
I don’t mind if it last for whole life.
Quantity doesn’t matter when it comes to sexual relations. It’s how deep you penetrate her.
So yeah, sex matters.
Listen to your dick. That instinct isn’t random.
Your dick, her clit, that tension between you, that’s your compass.
That’s your North Star.
That’s your salvation.
Beautiful.
@Raj
This doesn’t read like insight at all. It reads like something thrown together to *sound* profound, a patchwork of half-digested ideas from psychology, astrology, spirituality, and sexuality, stitched together with zero depth or reflection.
There’s no center, no self-awareness. Just fragments held together by tone and posturing. Impulse is mistaken for truth, intensity for intimacy, ego for authenticity.
What’s really happening is simple. Drives are being aestheticized and sold as philosophy. Desire becomes a compass, lust becomes “spiritual,” detachment becomes “evolution.” It isn’t understanding, it’s inflation, pure and hollow.
The biggest giveaway is how people are treated. Not as equals, not as real humans, but as objects orbiting a single perspective. The woman is reduced to a medium for projection and self-gratification, stripped of her own reality.
It’s loud, performative, and empty. That’s why it disgusts, because it pretends to be depth while being nothing but ego and borrowed ideas.
The theme is relationship and what you are describing is just sex, nothing more. I get it is perhaps not easy for you to come by, it still sounds cringe though.
What you wrote sounds like what podcaster bros have been saying for years, “just use women bro and go to gym and build an empire bla bla..”. It is very common and try hard and I see a lot of guys on the internet commenting like you except you attempt to sound poetic. I’m commenting this not because of you but this phenomenon of guys on social media writing like this,you are just NPCs and a part of the current era.
OMG how am I supposed to live with myself now? I thought I was this insightful, deep INFJ unicorn, and it turns out I’m just another NPC. You hurt my feelings Ellean pean. I am gonna write about you in my journal tonight… Atleast 4 pages. That’s how much it hurts..
@Raj
Totally agree with the part about channelling your love into something bigger than a person. For me it’s writing.
People fall out of love. They come and they go and in most instances they will eventually let you down. Writing (or whatever happens to be your muse) is always there and it won’t cheat etc and if it does you only have yourself to blame.
Perhaps it’s not fair to put so much pressure on any one person to be your foundational source of love. Unfortunately I’m all or nothing and if the paradigm of an extraordinary love doesn’t exist then I don’t want it in any way shape or form – How can I bind myself to something that isn’t complete? I’d rather be alone with my own foibles.
Consequently, I’ve eschewed relationships and connections and sex altogether because I’m no longer willing to come down to the earthly plane. I’ve been in this place long enough to know it’s not for me and as such I don’t want to fecundate it anymore. Animalistic desires are the anchor that keeps you here which is all well and good if that’s your thing but it’s not personally mine. Maybe in another life.
The caveat is that I’m not an INFJ. Blake has said in the past that my type has a tendency to do what I have done (ie to abandon the concept of love completely after being scolded).
@Bob hoskins
Blake once said lovers want to sink into each other.
I think that’s beautiful way to describe the ultimate ambition here.
In real life, this usually end up manifesting as a push pull dynamic. Lot of up and down, drama, heartbreak etc etc.
And that’s all fun but it would prevent you from achieving your greatness.
So how can we have best of both words.
I think first rule is to refrain from making promises for life time and beyond.
Instead promise her something that has clear achievable ending such as raising kids until they become well adjusted memebers of society or starting a business with some divided goals.
External goals help you anchor relationship into reality.
To sum up!
Have nasty sex
Focus of external goals
And most importantly, find middle ground between chaos and order. That’s only way to maintain sparks.
Too much stability kill sparks and make you feel trapped. You say each other, ” I love you” , but from what I have observed, often time there is not much love behind that ” I love you”
Thanks a lot, Raj. You just fucked up my compass. And right after I had it recalibrated.
@NTMR
That’s classic Ni getting itself stuck. It wants one clean, precise future, one exact outcome, like life is supposed to line up neatly if you just aim hard enough.
Perhaps you took the “dick is your compass” thing a bit too literally.
Truth is, I don’t know shit. But that’s fine, I’m nobody.
The real issue is… Blake doesn’t know shit either.
Nobody does.
The problem isn’t that you don’t have a compass. The problem is that you think you need a compass.
You know what ,
I have a compass for you that you might find useful for your situation.
It’s called a fool’s compass. It reset every day.
However it only works in the hands of those who truly deserve it. You must be worthy like Thor must be worthy for his hammer.
You must become a FOOooL
Lower the stakes. Stop trying to be profound all the time.
The fool doesn’t know, doesn’t care, and somehow still stumbles into things because he just keeps going with this stubborn, slightly delusional optimism.
Perhaps that’s the real hack. I really don’t know, because I am a fool.
😄
Raj,
Maybe I did…take the dick compass too literally. Although, I don’t have one of those thingies. I just like the thingies.
I’m gonna chew on your words a little longer and think of questions to ask you of which I won’t. Thanks for posting. Your perspective is refreshing.
@NTMR
All single humans without thingies can reach out to me here.
dowhatgoodforyou gmail dot com
Attach your recent picture for a faster response.
(Blake, plz don’t block my arse for old time sake
Your pervert friend!
Raj )
Me not so single, Raj. That’s the only reason I won’t reach out. But you and your thingie have fun. 🙂
This is beautiful. Blake, you are truly an artist.
Wow that was a beautiful article…which leaves me with some questions. Like, what happens if the woman doesn’t pass those exhausting tests despite giving the INFJ man endless love, like does he stop loving her and moves onto another victim? Wouldn’t that mean his love wasn’t that deep after all?
Could a woman prevent this from happening by never giving him the true love if she understands him well, or distancing herself and finding another guy? Will that make INFJ man want her back all of sudden?
I’m pretty sure INFP women know initially this man is a bad guy so some type of understanding is there, it is more so everyone else can be charmed by this guy more easily
I’m guessing here what he wants is her to be Persephone to his Hades, an innocent girl that he captures and then she turns into queen of underground so they can rule together?
Guess what. I did Morning Pages and complained about how employers punished jobseekers with unconventional career paths (ie me). Then I somehow ended up arriving at these questions:
What happens if you deviate from society’s approved mode of existence?
How should a man live in a society that punishes deviation and rewards compliance, when society’s norms and approved modes of being runs counter to their inclinations and very nature?
I feel these are very fertile questions. Dramatically (like in terms of fiction writing), sociologically, in a Joseph Campbell sense, in a School of Life/philosophy sense, etc. It’s an age-old question that has been asked by humans throughout the millennia. Applies to almost everyone, I’m sure.
Fe works!